|
Saturday, August 25, 2007, 7:33 PM
Is it just me? Or am I getting happier and carefree day by day, while my friends emo more often? Those "sit-down-and-think-while-observing-much-of-the-surrounding" syndromes have appeard almost in everyone that I've known well enough.
I don't know. Just a feeling.
Well, whatever everyone's going through, it's just temporary lah. I have that syndrome everyday, and it gets really depressing and mind-killing at times. But it's the way I see the world that prevents me from getting depression or dwelling too much on such thoughts.
Yeah, I know, all the "been there done that" thing.
I should be in Psychology or something. Seriously.
Nah. LOL. It sounds fun, but I'd lose interest sooner or later.
What I've known about the mind and human emotions/instincts is enough.
Or else, I might be the one ending up with depression.
Labels: Re-discovering Myself
Monday, August 06, 2007, 8:03 PM
Sometimes, I just think I dream too much. Too much of a life that I'm too damn used to. I'm really fickle-minded. I guess I inherited that from an old friend, haha.
Usually, during those hour-long mrt or bus rides alone, other than listening to the radio, all I can do is think about my whole life. It's good I guess, to think once in a while, but not EVERY SINGLE DAY. Life will be full of insecurities and disappointments if you did that. I know, I've tried.
Every single day, I would think about something. Could've started from anything that pops up in my head. Like whether I can really get into Design School next sem, or should I just go get a motorcycle license next year even though my mom disapproves of it. Or stuff like when should I start looking for a girlfriend(hah), should I get Oakley sunglasses, blablabla. But it always ends the same every single time I start thinking. It always ends at the point where I realized, as if I could understand everyone in the world, and life itself, unaffected by feelings or biased thinking.
Once again, I ask myself. How long should I hide in this shell? As long as everyone's happy?
I just really wonder sometimes, about the few people who know who I really am, and the rest who laughs at that orange-haired kid, the rest who I love entertaining. Hah.
Hmph.
Sometimes, all I want is just for everyone to recognise my good intentions.
And not have that twisted notion like "oh, he's just like any other guy. insensitive, muscle-brain, oogle's at girls all day, watches soccer and dont really care the shit about the whole universe".
p.s. I've been up for 33 hours.
THANK YOU COCA-COLA! Caffeine is TEH sex. hahha.
Damn, I'm so gonna age faster. -.-Labels: Re-discovering Myself
Tuesday, July 10, 2007, 4:31 PM
As he looks over to his sides, keen to strike up a conversation or just to seek comfort in a familiar face, reality strikes him. There wasn't anyone beside him at a time like this. Even though this has been going on for years, from his childhood, he often forgets of the lonesome he's engulfed in. He shifts his attention to the floor of the train where he starts to define his meaning in life, only to realize the same emptiness over and over again.
He steps out of the train and makes his way to his destination. Sometimes if he's lucky, he gets to see familiar faces. But then again, such things seldom happen.
As he reaches, he feels lost. There's still 20 mins. He shrugs off the feeling and makes his way to a table. He looks around. Everyone seems to be with someone else. Like a cold arrow, the awkward silence..lonesome. He flips out his laptop, the only friend he has at such times.
Lunch. Cafeteria was packed full. He makes his way to a table...If he's lucky, someone he knows might come up and sit with him. But then again, such things seldom occur. He flips out his only friend, ignoring stares and weird glances from tables around.
He likes to do what he loves best. But often, the things he does are not always shared or enjoyed by his friends. He finds another kind of loneliness. One where he does what he loves best, but not being able to share that joy with someone else. He tries to make new friends but they often just last the whole day. Just a "Hi Bye" thing.
The sky darkens. It's time to go home. He stares out the bus window, under the cold blast of the AC, numbing the pain he feels everytime he glances at the empty row of seats beside him. He asks himself Why. Everyone always has someone to go everywhere with. Why not him. He falls asleep thinking of such things for too long.
Even though it was depressing, it was normal to him. A normal feeling though, but the idea of the whole thing was definitely not normal to him. All he could do was shrug it off. Maybe it's because he doesn't believe in having very close friends anymore, or the idea of forming cliques. All he wants is to be friends with everyone, but maybe that comes with a price. The price of having someone to be with during the times when he was alone.
He's in a jar of matchsticks. There are blue ones, green ones and red ones. He's the burnt one. But yet, he's still a matchstick.
Maybe such situations are inevitable. He knows he has the power to understand beyond maturity, beyond the human limits. But he's still human. And he has feelings, that are yet, still hard to be understood.
Being able to understand the world, but not yourself.
You have a long way to go man.Labels: Re-discovering Myself
Tuesday, May 29, 2007, 12:00 AM
I'm blogging this at the last sane bit of my mind. I don't know whether I can take another day like this anymore. Ear-splitting headache, rides back home that really drain out the energy in you, and the constant absence from my CCAs. I don't know whether I would still be blogging here if I had went for rugby today. Coming home at 8pm is the earliest I can do on a Monday. Had a 4 hour nap.
Even my kness kept buckling on the MRT ride. Standing up for an hour and 15mins could be peanuts for some people. But try doing it with mental fatigue. After half an hour trying my best to stand up, I just can't take it anymore and slumped to the floor.
Mid-Sems Tests are coming. PRSP = GG.
F*ck programming.
I've been thinking too freaking much about the transfer. "What if I can't get in?" 's been hammering my mind every single day. Every single f*cking day I would think about it, every single minute, single second.
The reason I woke up is not to blog. But to finish up my WDS proposal. F*ck this. I should get started.
Hope I don't pass out on the comp table again tonight.Labels: Re-discovering Myself
Tuesday, January 30, 2007, 5:40 PM
Oh man. I've been having a mental block for the past weeks and really can't find anything in my mind to pick on. Hmph, must be due to the fact that I just emptied and refreshed it of unnecessary things to think about and remember. Like other people's problems, for instance. I just can't be bothered anymore. But in the first place, WHY BOTHER? No one's asking you to listen. No one cares your the self-imposed stress that you're going through. Well, lets just say that I just took the Councilor Card out of play and reshuffled it back into the deck.
I watched Tiramisu's last episode again last week, and I still can't stop feeling so DAMN emo. Tiramisu. Sweet memories, as if they happened yesterday, raced through my mind every single time I hear that word. I remembered last time, when we were shopping, and decided to take take a rest in front of Courts, and we ended up sitting down, watching the first episode. We would talk about the show, fill each other up on what was missed and every week, go " TIRAMISU IS ON NOW, OMG, QUICK GO WATCH".
Unfortunately, although how similar we felt the storyline was to us, the show ended totally opposite of how we ended.
Hmph, I better stop before I start rambling about this again.
It's funny how people who don't really know me, have the most outrageous assumptions of the type of person I am.
But at the same time, it's REALLY funny how people who know me very well, still don't understand the type of person I am, what annoys me, what I like and what are my preferances. Maybe I just give in too much to people. I remembered once, last time when I was small, getting a fortune ticket from a fortune-telling machine at some arcade. Yeah, I know, it's all crap. But what I got was something like "You can understand people blabla put others first blabla" shit. I was small then, so it all sounded like shit to me, so I regretted not using the token to play Time Crisis again.
I know I put nicknames like " I HATE PEOPLE" and have mood-swings all the time, saying I'm not going to be nice anymore or all that shit, but there's always that part of me, holding back the anger and explosion that I OH SO NEED TO RELEASE. I think if I could put them in a missle, it'll turn into a nuclear missle. LOL. Ok, lame.
Maybe I just feel so insecure.
Maybe I feel that everyone's been taking me for granted.
Maybe I tend to put others too much in front of myself.
Well, maybe that's the reason I am happy. I don't really mind having to give in to demands or during certain situations. For me to be happy, is for you to be happy, and that's what matters I guess. Seriously speaking, I really do feel that warm feeling inside, knowing that I just made someone's day.
I guess this is my purpose then. My role.
Ok then.
Have a nice day everyone. =) Labels: Re-discovering Myself
Monday, January 08, 2007, 5:22 PM
There's always a time when you'll find yourself alone. Then you start to think. Friends..Family.. basically, Life. Flashbacks of past memories starts to fill your mind. By yourself, alone, you smile, you frown, cry and even laugh. You know people might think you are crazy, but who are they to judge? For that time being, you're in that happy/depressing place in your mind.
You remembered something funny and and quickly spin to your right to tell someone you thought was there, only to be greeted by empty seats. You look away, disappointed at your mind, taking advantage of the moment you're having by playing tricks on you. You see lights. Then, it hits you. Isn't there supposed to be someone beside you?
You ponder on that thought. The longer you do, the more lost you feel.
A shoulder to lie on?
Or just a voice to respond?
Some coolant for your blaze?
Or is this all just a phase? Yeah. Tell that to yourself. You will grow out of this sick feeling.
But you just can't help but stare at your own reflection and feel really sorry for yourself. 
Day by day, your poor little heart gets pummeled by depressing thoughts and musings. You start to feel emotionally vulnerable and feel down everytime a certain topic gets discussed or during a certain event. You tell yourself, its supposed to be a happy occasion, but you just can't close that floodgate completely just by saying that. I wonder where did the engineer go.. You try to see whats wrong with yourself. Nothing's wrong. The only thing missing is that big chunk someone took from your heart. And you wonder. Did she really take it? Or is she just playing around with it? And your thoughts start to crumble into little bite-size pieces of possibilities and assumptions. 
You find life too empty. Like an empty beaker or a hollow coconut. A thought hits you, and it keeps buzzing in your cranium. You get a job, thinking that doing some work and earning some money will help improve your emotional health(is there such a thing?). But seems that you got the wrong job, and the stress doubles. You become emotionally unstable and your mental health deteriorates. You get migraines and headaches, and don't get enough sleep, since you spend the night away thinking and thinking. A sign buzzes on the ceiling. "EXIT". It's locked. You knock and knock as hard as you can, your last desperate attempts to escape this madness. And finally, someone opens. He gives you a hand, gesturing you to come with him into the light.
You smile and instantly, other smiles start to pop up from the brightness.
A figure goes up to you and gives you the most heart-warming hug you ever felt.
Safe now, with good friends.
Its 2007. Make way for new memories, but please do cherish the old ones.
Love everything and everyone. You will be loved.
Labels: Re-discovering Myself
Friday, December 15, 2006, 6:09 PM
You claim you have lots of friends. You like to socialize. You claim you are well-liked by everyone you know and you can clique with any of them at any time, getting to know more about them. You cherish friendships, even though you know how sour things can get. You smile. You rarely blame things on your friends. You don't do things to others that you don't want them to do to you. You like to help people, sometimes even at the expense of your time, energy and resources. You like to spend quality time and bond with others. You like to rectify the actions of others. You are very optimistic.
Yet, you are alone.Labels: Re-discovering Myself
|
Saturday, August 25, 2007, 7:33 PM
Is it just me? Or am I getting happier and carefree day by day, while my friends emo more often? Those "sit-down-and-think-while-observing-much-of-the-surrounding" syndromes have appeard almost in everyone that I've known well enough.
I don't know. Just a feeling.
Well, whatever everyone's going through, it's just temporary lah. I have that syndrome everyday, and it gets really depressing and mind-killing at times. But it's the way I see the world that prevents me from getting depression or dwelling too much on such thoughts.
Yeah, I know, all the "been there done that" thing.
I should be in Psychology or something. Seriously.
Nah. LOL. It sounds fun, but I'd lose interest sooner or later.
What I've known about the mind and human emotions/instincts is enough.
Or else, I might be the one ending up with depression.
Labels: Re-discovering Myself
Monday, August 06, 2007, 8:03 PM
Sometimes, I just think I dream too much. Too much of a life that I'm too damn used to. I'm really fickle-minded. I guess I inherited that from an old friend, haha.
Usually, during those hour-long mrt or bus rides alone, other than listening to the radio, all I can do is think about my whole life. It's good I guess, to think once in a while, but not EVERY SINGLE DAY. Life will be full of insecurities and disappointments if you did that. I know, I've tried.
Every single day, I would think about something. Could've started from anything that pops up in my head. Like whether I can really get into Design School next sem, or should I just go get a motorcycle license next year even though my mom disapproves of it. Or stuff like when should I start looking for a girlfriend(hah), should I get Oakley sunglasses, blablabla. But it always ends the same every single time I start thinking. It always ends at the point where I realized, as if I could understand everyone in the world, and life itself, unaffected by feelings or biased thinking.
Once again, I ask myself. How long should I hide in this shell? As long as everyone's happy?
I just really wonder sometimes, about the few people who know who I really am, and the rest who laughs at that orange-haired kid, the rest who I love entertaining. Hah.
Hmph.
Sometimes, all I want is just for everyone to recognise my good intentions.
And not have that twisted notion like "oh, he's just like any other guy. insensitive, muscle-brain, oogle's at girls all day, watches soccer and dont really care the shit about the whole universe".
p.s. I've been up for 33 hours.
THANK YOU COCA-COLA! Caffeine is TEH sex. hahha.
Damn, I'm so gonna age faster. -.-Labels: Re-discovering Myself
Tuesday, July 10, 2007, 4:31 PM
As he looks over to his sides, keen to strike up a conversation or just to seek comfort in a familiar face, reality strikes him. There wasn't anyone beside him at a time like this. Even though this has been going on for years, from his childhood, he often forgets of the lonesome he's engulfed in. He shifts his attention to the floor of the train where he starts to define his meaning in life, only to realize the same emptiness over and over again.
He steps out of the train and makes his way to his destination. Sometimes if he's lucky, he gets to see familiar faces. But then again, such things seldom happen.
As he reaches, he feels lost. There's still 20 mins. He shrugs off the feeling and makes his way to a table. He looks around. Everyone seems to be with someone else. Like a cold arrow, the awkward silence..lonesome. He flips out his laptop, the only friend he has at such times.
Lunch. Cafeteria was packed full. He makes his way to a table...If he's lucky, someone he knows might come up and sit with him. But then again, such things seldom occur. He flips out his only friend, ignoring stares and weird glances from tables around.
He likes to do what he loves best. But often, the things he does are not always shared or enjoyed by his friends. He finds another kind of loneliness. One where he does what he loves best, but not being able to share that joy with someone else. He tries to make new friends but they often just last the whole day. Just a "Hi Bye" thing.
The sky darkens. It's time to go home. He stares out the bus window, under the cold blast of the AC, numbing the pain he feels everytime he glances at the empty row of seats beside him. He asks himself Why. Everyone always has someone to go everywhere with. Why not him. He falls asleep thinking of such things for too long.
Even though it was depressing, it was normal to him. A normal feeling though, but the idea of the whole thing was definitely not normal to him. All he could do was shrug it off. Maybe it's because he doesn't believe in having very close friends anymore, or the idea of forming cliques. All he wants is to be friends with everyone, but maybe that comes with a price. The price of having someone to be with during the times when he was alone.
He's in a jar of matchsticks. There are blue ones, green ones and red ones. He's the burnt one. But yet, he's still a matchstick.
Maybe such situations are inevitable. He knows he has the power to understand beyond maturity, beyond the human limits. But he's still human. And he has feelings, that are yet, still hard to be understood.
Being able to understand the world, but not yourself.
You have a long way to go man.Labels: Re-discovering Myself
Tuesday, May 29, 2007, 12:00 AM
I'm blogging this at the last sane bit of my mind. I don't know whether I can take another day like this anymore. Ear-splitting headache, rides back home that really drain out the energy in you, and the constant absence from my CCAs. I don't know whether I would still be blogging here if I had went for rugby today. Coming home at 8pm is the earliest I can do on a Monday. Had a 4 hour nap.
Even my kness kept buckling on the MRT ride. Standing up for an hour and 15mins could be peanuts for some people. But try doing it with mental fatigue. After half an hour trying my best to stand up, I just can't take it anymore and slumped to the floor.
Mid-Sems Tests are coming. PRSP = GG.
F*ck programming.
I've been thinking too freaking much about the transfer. "What if I can't get in?" 's been hammering my mind every single day. Every single f*cking day I would think about it, every single minute, single second.
The reason I woke up is not to blog. But to finish up my WDS proposal. F*ck this. I should get started.
Hope I don't pass out on the comp table again tonight.Labels: Re-discovering Myself
Tuesday, January 30, 2007, 5:40 PM
Oh man. I've been having a mental block for the past weeks and really can't find anything in my mind to pick on. Hmph, must be due to the fact that I just emptied and refreshed it of unnecessary things to think about and remember. Like other people's problems, for instance. I just can't be bothered anymore. But in the first place, WHY BOTHER? No one's asking you to listen. No one cares your the self-imposed stress that you're going through. Well, lets just say that I just took the Councilor Card out of play and reshuffled it back into the deck.
I watched Tiramisu's last episode again last week, and I still can't stop feeling so DAMN emo. Tiramisu. Sweet memories, as if they happened yesterday, raced through my mind every single time I hear that word. I remembered last time, when we were shopping, and decided to take take a rest in front of Courts, and we ended up sitting down, watching the first episode. We would talk about the show, fill each other up on what was missed and every week, go " TIRAMISU IS ON NOW, OMG, QUICK GO WATCH".
Unfortunately, although how similar we felt the storyline was to us, the show ended totally opposite of how we ended.
Hmph, I better stop before I start rambling about this again.
It's funny how people who don't really know me, have the most outrageous assumptions of the type of person I am.
But at the same time, it's REALLY funny how people who know me very well, still don't understand the type of person I am, what annoys me, what I like and what are my preferances. Maybe I just give in too much to people. I remembered once, last time when I was small, getting a fortune ticket from a fortune-telling machine at some arcade. Yeah, I know, it's all crap. But what I got was something like "You can understand people blabla put others first blabla" shit. I was small then, so it all sounded like shit to me, so I regretted not using the token to play Time Crisis again.
I know I put nicknames like " I HATE PEOPLE" and have mood-swings all the time, saying I'm not going to be nice anymore or all that shit, but there's always that part of me, holding back the anger and explosion that I OH SO NEED TO RELEASE. I think if I could put them in a missle, it'll turn into a nuclear missle. LOL. Ok, lame.
Maybe I just feel so insecure.
Maybe I feel that everyone's been taking me for granted.
Maybe I tend to put others too much in front of myself.
Well, maybe that's the reason I am happy. I don't really mind having to give in to demands or during certain situations. For me to be happy, is for you to be happy, and that's what matters I guess. Seriously speaking, I really do feel that warm feeling inside, knowing that I just made someone's day.
I guess this is my purpose then. My role.
Ok then.
Have a nice day everyone. =) Labels: Re-discovering Myself
Monday, January 08, 2007, 5:22 PM
There's always a time when you'll find yourself alone. Then you start to think. Friends..Family.. basically, Life. Flashbacks of past memories starts to fill your mind. By yourself, alone, you smile, you frown, cry and even laugh. You know people might think you are crazy, but who are they to judge? For that time being, you're in that happy/depressing place in your mind.
You remembered something funny and and quickly spin to your right to tell someone you thought was there, only to be greeted by empty seats. You look away, disappointed at your mind, taking advantage of the moment you're having by playing tricks on you. You see lights. Then, it hits you. Isn't there supposed to be someone beside you?
You ponder on that thought. The longer you do, the more lost you feel.
A shoulder to lie on?
Or just a voice to respond?
Some coolant for your blaze?
Or is this all just a phase? Yeah. Tell that to yourself. You will grow out of this sick feeling.
But you just can't help but stare at your own reflection and feel really sorry for yourself.
Day by day, your poor little heart gets pummeled by depressing thoughts and musings. You start to feel emotionally vulnerable and feel down everytime a certain topic gets discussed or during a certain event. You tell yourself, its supposed to be a happy occasion, but you just can't close that floodgate completely just by saying that. I wonder where did the engineer go.. You try to see whats wrong with yourself. Nothing's wrong. The only thing missing is that big chunk someone took from your heart. And you wonder. Did she really take it? Or is she just playing around with it? And your thoughts start to crumble into little bite-size pieces of possibilities and assumptions.
You find life too empty. Like an empty beaker or a hollow coconut. A thought hits you, and it keeps buzzing in your cranium. You get a job, thinking that doing some work and earning some money will help improve your emotional health(is there such a thing?). But seems that you got the wrong job, and the stress doubles. You become emotionally unstable and your mental health deteriorates. You get migraines and headaches, and don't get enough sleep, since you spend the night away thinking and thinking. A sign buzzes on the ceiling. "EXIT". It's locked. You knock and knock as hard as you can, your last desperate attempts to escape this madness. And finally, someone opens. He gives you a hand, gesturing you to come with him into the light.
You smile and instantly, other smiles start to pop up from the brightness.
A figure goes up to you and gives you the most heart-warming hug you ever felt.
Safe now, with good friends.
Its 2007. Make way for new memories, but please do cherish the old ones.
Love everything and everyone. You will be loved.
Labels: Re-discovering Myself
Friday, December 15, 2006, 6:09 PM
You claim you have lots of friends. You like to socialize. You claim you are well-liked by everyone you know and you can clique with any of them at any time, getting to know more about them. You cherish friendships, even though you know how sour things can get. You smile. You rarely blame things on your friends. You don't do things to others that you don't want them to do to you. You like to help people, sometimes even at the expense of your time, energy and resources. You like to spend quality time and bond with others. You like to rectify the actions of others. You are very optimistic.
Yet, you are alone.Labels: Re-discovering Myself
|
Profile
"Lunfy", haha. I'm 19 this year. I like loud people, sports, gym, dancing, singing, the beach, whatever that makes me feel alive. Well, I guess I'll look like any other guy out on the street if you see me. Just like how everyone looks like. But if you do take the time and trouble to know the people you deemed "similar" and "insignificant", the world wouldn't look so big anymore. I like being nice to people, people whom I've never known, seen or spoken to before. Pretty much random acts of kindness, not caring to whom, what, when or where. But too bad, almost no one in this country doesn't really know how to react to kindness. Either they'll act as if nothing happened or stare at you like some freak. I always believed that a single smile can change someone's life totally. I'm a heavy chain smoker, but I did manage to cut down alot this year. I appreciate a wide range of music. I hate the fact that some people label themselves with genres and be so narrow-minded about music. I believe no one can find true love, because it finds you. Till then, please be patient. Don't go starting off meaningless relationships or relationships you know that won't last. I hate the fact that out in the streets, people are collecting cans for a living while our ministers dance around and earn millions each year. Politics around the world are getting more and more ridiculous each day. To me, there seems to be no such thing as democracy anymore, but downright capitalism everywhere. I support movements for human rights and against animal abuse. Even though our freedom and rights have been taken away by ridiculous laws, I believe we can still make a difference one day. Once I told my friends I'd stay here and fight for what I believe in till I made a difference rather than migrate with them to somewhere else, and I got made fun of. It's okay I guess, because some people don't really understand. I have a bad habit of observing people, their actions, reactions, and attitude. But oh well, at least that makes me get along with almost everyone I meet in my life. I just pity people with social defects.
So that's all for now. Maybe I'll add more stuff soon and maybe some pictures. See ya.
|
Archives
Layout: vehemency
Icon: reruntherace
|
|